Sir Edmund Hillary

Zac has some dope words so I picked out some of my favorites and I'm gonna read this in class 'cause I think everyone should hear his words. yeah.

Sorry if you can't read it. Just go read his blog. K cool. 

NEWS

To my good friend Carolina

Dear Carolina Liar,
 
I just wanna say thanks.

Thanks for letting me hide behind your name for a couple months while I tried to navigate the maze connecting my heart and my brain.

When we made it on the top 5 I'm sorry that I told my class it was me I just wanted to scream and shout THAT WAS ME NOT CAROLINA. THOSE ARE MY WORDS.

THAT WAS ME,

When we posted something we were proud of and got 1 comment I wanted to blame you.

Come on Carolina, 1 comment?

I'm sorry.

I wrote the words on this blog trying to make you proud of me...
what am I talking about... You are me.

Sorry you weren't a popular blog and this post will probably get 2 comments but you know me us.

We've never been popular.

So thanks for letting me post things I never would have had the courage to do under my name.

Thank you for gathering the praise on our good days and hiding my shame on the bad ones.

For letting people feel comfortable telling me they liked my words when they probably wouldn't have otherwise.

Thank you.

It's been a good run and I think we make a good team Carolina.

But there's only so many days until there's nothing in the world for me to hide behind. So I'm starting with you.

Sincerely,

Nicole Rae Anderson

E A D G B E

We skipped out on calculus and you played our favorite song on my guitar instead.

The music filled the room, our blue eyes, and the cracks in our hearts. 

We skipped out on a movie and listened to our favorite 80's rock station in your car instead.

The music filled your car, the space in between our hands, and the blank holes in our skulls.

We skipped out on being cool and sang primary songs on the way home.

The music filled the road, the creases in your smile, and our forever cold hands.


But in the middle of our song the smallest guitar string broke and so did something inside of me. The words got stuck in my throat and our blue eyes haven't connected the way melodies should. Our hands have gotten too cold to reach out and our sentences fade off with "okay" when both of us know it isn't.


It's been 7 months and I never thought I would need to learn how to restring my guitar.

But I did.

I fixed the string he broke the day we were supposed to be nowhere near music, and I fill my heart with my own songs now.

My Heart Broke

My heart broke and it felt like my eyes turned into Niagara Falls.

My heart broke and it felt like no amount of super glue could ever combine the pieces again.

My heart broke and it felt like hands were only made for hitting never holding.

My heart broke and if our pillows caught our tears mine could fill a reservoir.

My heart broke and calculus homework somehow didn't seem to matter anymore.

My heart broke but after my reservoir dried up and all my super glue was gone, I finally looked at my heart through the cracks.

My heart was broken but the inside wasn't a hurricane,

there were no blood stained memories crowding the space,

no. All I could see was cobwebs filling the corners,

filling the corners.

red handed

You caught me.

1. I hate halloween
2. I sit in the parent section at football games
3. I don't go disco skating
4. I've been to In-n-out twice
5. I hate going to parties
6. I'm not excited to move out

I'm the opposite of the perfect 17 year old high school senior. You caught me. 

How to make me cry

Every 12 year old in the 6th grade made fun of us. But that's what we got for not believing the other person had cooties. (we probably did have cooties). 

I remember sitting in your living room (the one your mom makes me sing in now) while we broke open the new legos you got for your birthday. The other kids were out by your shed (the one I can't look at anymore). We didn't care what anyone said. 

You never warned me about the hidden step leading into your kitchen, just so you could laugh when I tripped. I never made an effort to remember, because I'd rather hear you laugh. (I tripped again on it yesterday. Did you laugh in heaven?) 

You made me watch Lord of the Rings with your family (I haven't watched it since). 

When you walked me home from Timberline one day you taught me that if I'm ever with people who are making out, immediately wrap their faces together with plastic wrap so they can't breath. (I still thought kissing was gross). And then we would joke about all the people you made out with. 

I tried forgetting 9th grade yearbook day until I remembered you were the first one there with open arms. (Sorry I got tears on your members only jacket). 

I wish I could go back to everyday that I told you to cut your hair and confess that I really loved it. (even when you made me french braid it). 

You visited me when I got my wisdom teeth out just so you could laugh at my chipmunk cheeks and bring me ice cream. (It was my favorite kind). 

I held everyone's jealousy in Choir, because I got to stand right next to you. (I loved every second).

I can't get myself to clap more than 6 times for anything, because you taught me that that was the limit. (why 6?). 

You taught me how to play pool, wear a scarf fashionably while ice skating, and how to eat spaghetti without a fork. (such useful skills, I know). 

And I'll never forget that last time we talked. Or the feeling when I heard the news. Or that stormy sunday night when my whole view on the world shifted. Or when the heartbreaking sentence "this means it's real" escaped my lips. (I miss you). 

The "you can talk to me" comments pouring in like the ocean, when the only person I wanted to talk to was you. I wanted to know if you're okay, I still do. (Are you okay?) I don't want to cry looking at a selfie of us in my car. But I do. 

Because this shouldn't have happened. (but it did).

A re-introduction

I'm 17 years old and I actually kinda like high school.

I'm 17 years old and I couldn't name more than 5 people "friends".

I'm 17 years old and I have watch more chic flicks than your average cat lady.

I'm 17 years old and I drink skim milk occasionally.

I'm 17 years old and I've barely realized how I need a kitten.

I'm 17 years old and I own 27 pairs of shoes but I rotate through 3.

I'm 17 years old and I lose my chapstick daily.

I'm 17 years old and I'm terrified of grasshoppers.

I'm 17 years old and don't like it when people know my middle name.

I'm 17 years old and I prefer read-a-thons over parties. 

I'm 17 years old and I have no idea where I want to go to college.

I'm 17 years old and I have too many fears to count so I'll just avoid them.

I'm 17 years old and none of this matters anyways. 

Blue skies Blue eyes

Today I felt like blue.

Not blue, like sad blue, just the color blue.

Maybe it was the rain. Maybe it was my unbrushable hair. Maybe it was my eyes.

Today I felt like blue.

Not a bright blue, not a navy blue, just the color blue.

Blue always makes me think. Blue convinced me to go to the library. Blue pulled out my favorite boots.

Today I felt like blue.

Not like blue is a good thing, or a bad thing, its just the color blue.

Maybe he felt like green today. Maybe she felt like pink. I felt like blue.

Today I felt like blue.

Not sad, happy, good, or bad, just the color blue.

Maybe they don't remember. Maybe I need to move on. Maybe I don't

On November 2nd my world was washed in blue.

and today I felt like blue.

The Sky Is The Limit

They told me the sky is the limit, so I've started drawing plans for a rocket.

They told me the sky is the limit, so I've painted stars on my ceiling to remind me.

They told me the sky is the limit, so I've memorized constellations fully planning to touch them someday.

They told me the sky is the limit, so I've drawn the man in the moon more times than my own face.

They told me the sky is the limit, so I've dreamt how the stardust will feel falling through my fingers.

They told me the sky is the limit, but my brain can't comprehend rocket science and all the stars I painted peeled off 3 years ago.

They told me the sky is the limit, but I only remember one constellation and I don't have time to draw.

They told me the sky is the limit, but the only thing falling through my fingers is my patience.

They told me the sky is the limit, but they forgot to tell me how slippery the stars can be, and how the clouds won't catch you.

They told me the sky is the limit, but I am limited.

Prescription: hugs

I woke up this morning with a serious Homecoming hangover.

Because we got drunk on each others laughter

                     on the musty air of the Commons

                     on the canyon where we decided to have our own dance

Last night was perfect.

But I woke up this morning with a serious Homecoming hangover.

And it hit me like a brick that last night was my last Homecoming
                                last night was my last
                                last night was my last

And I don't know if the walls of the school are lined with sentimentality or the grass we walked through is watered with memories making my feet cold with the thought that it's.
                                                                                                  almost.
                                                                                                  over.

I woke up this morning with a serious Homecoming hangover.

And I don't think any amount of medicine can help this pressure in my head.

A haiku for every school dance I've been to

6th grade Valentines
I barely knew you
we just learned how to slow dance
I was wearing pink

9th grade Night Dance
you were my last song
we were on top of the world
it ended too soon

Sophomore Prom
you almost asked me
instead you asked my best friend
I stayed home that night

Junior Homecoming
we liked each other
you friend zoned me on Sunday
we haven't talked since

Junior Sadies
we liked each other
I friend zoned you on Sunday
I think we're still friends

Junior Preference
we were kinda friends
you barely talked the whole night
now we never talk

Junior Prom
you had just moved here
I had never had more fun
it rained the whole night

Senior Homecoming
I wore your suit coat
the first dance I've felt pretty
you kissed me Goodnight

Electric Skies & Lightning Eyes

Your veins are like the branches of my favorite tree. 

I've always been too scared to climb it.

Your eyes are like the ocean I loved the first time I stepped on its shore.

I never learned how to swim.

Your smile is like stepping outside on the brightest summer day.

I've always preferred rain.

You're so wrong for me...

But when I'm with you I see lightning behind my eyelids and when I look up all I can feel is electricity.

And the words "You're my world" radiate under your fingertips.

I've had enough careless goodbyes and painful cries to know that

--this might be a hurricane warning--

but I think I'll take my chances with our electric skies and lightning eyes.

I wrote your name on my arm

I wrote your name on my arm but you didn't stick around

 long enough for me to feel comfortable in short sleeves.

I wrote your name on my arm but my pen must have dried out because

I can't seem to finish the last letter. Maybe my pen is following

my mouth and my eyes example.

I wrote your name on my arm but then I remembered your

parents gave you that name along with a list of rules

regarding me.

I wrote your name on my arm but then I sat alone

on a Friday night. I thought about scraping

your name off of my arm.

I wrote your name on my arm but I didn't think twice about

dancing in the rain.

I wrote your name on my arm but tattoos are messy

and my heart has never been fond of needles.

I wrote your name on my arm but then I heard my

anatomy teachers voice saying

"all the layers of skin you can see are dead".

All the layers of skin you can see are dead,

 and I wrote your name on my arm.

Solar System

I looked to the stars

they told me to take it slow

I did not listen

The moon warns me now

"I know you prefer the night

don't forget the stars"

The moon is just rock

and all the stars are dying

I need light to live

This solar eclipse

has burned my eyes white and gold

I cry for the stars

Now the sun is here

and I'm trying to count back

the days I've wasted

The moon looks sadly

at my life laying shambled

it could've done more

13 things my parents forgot to teach me:

1. going down slides isn't fun and people will forget my birthday
2. high school isn't like high school musical
3. my favorite color will change and so will my hair
4. soccer isn't for everyone
5. people drink beer at BYU games
6. it's okay to cry over a broken heart. (even if you're in 7th grade)
7. people will think my Pokemon collection is weird
8. not everyone will like Phantom of the Opera
9. brothers can't always be there for you. neither can dogs
10. sunrises happen whether I witness them or not. so do sunsets
11. the sun can blind me but so can the moon
12. the stars will be there when people aren't
13. sometimes being a robot is ok

Eye downt no

Why do I listen to "The Fault In Our Stars" soundtrack more than I listen to how my brothers date went?

Why do I care that they're going to Homecoming more than I care about what dress I'll wear to match his eyes?

Why do I cry about dumb boys more than I cry about lost dogs?

Why do I love riding my bike more than I love family night? 

Why do I sing in your truck more than I do in choir class?

Why do I feel peace in the canyon more than I do in church every week?

Why do I write everything I have coming in the future more than I write what I've already done?

Why am I even making this list.

I don't know.

None of it really matters right?

Don't Forget!!!! :):):)

I like to think I'm fearless and adventurous and spontaneous and that I throw caution to the wind but instead my timid sentence confessing "I don't know if this is a good idea..." is the only thing the wind is catching.

So here's my list of fears that I like to pretend don't exist.

windows

skin cancer

being in charge of kids

jumping off of truck beds

outhouses

ants. sometimes fire ants

sometimes aunts

forgetting what day it is

contacts. not glasses. i like glasses

getting stepped on

walking too slowly

forgetting hunters laugh

seeing your mom at the store

caves

stepping on grasshoppers

my dreams coming true

college

someone else knowing me as much as you do

heights. mainly falling from them

forgetting the color of your eyes

forgetting last nights sunset

forgetting how this blanket feels

forgetting what it means to be alive
mainly forgetting

To the Elementary Me

To the little upstairs bedroom

      sorry I didn't appreciate your coziness 

To the bookshelf in the alcove

      sorry I let your shelves collect dust more than my iPod ever did

To the window looking out to the tree I planted

      sorry I kept the curtains closed 

To the blanket I've had since I was born

      sorry I ruthlessly dragged you every where 

To the 13 journals I started

      sorry I only ever wrote on the first page

To the crayons I never loved

      sorry I broke every one I touched and moved on too fast

To the little girl who had dreams in her head and hope in her heart

      sorry I let you down

strangers meeting at sometime

I don't think I'll be able to handle the "Hey how have you been? Haven't heard from you in so long!" Or the "Let's go grab lunch sometime and catch up!" But sometime won't happen because you're gonna be busy and I'm gonna be busy and something will always be in the way of sometime.

 

I can't stand knowing we're gonna be strangers. 

My heart physically hurts thinking how in 5 years we'll be asking about each others families when all we ever knew was making sure not to wake mom up when I got you home too late. 

"What's new with your life? Seems like it's been forever huh"

For now, it's dealing with goodbyes. This is the first of a long list that seems like it will never end, constantly rolling past May 28th catching momentum spiraling me through the cracks in my heart that keep expanding. 

For now it's "I'll miss you"'s and teary eyed hugs and forced bravery saying the final goodbye without breaking. 

"If he ever hurts you, you know I'll be here in a heartbeat"

So let's catch up in 5 years, talk about your toddler and my bookshop in Washington. Let's talk about how life never worked out like we planned, but how we're so glad sometime rolled around. 

Sometime, we'll be back together.

MISSING

MISSING: Big heart, some think it's ice.

Slightly cracked, but preferred over emptiness.

hat people

He's a fedora. She's a beret. He's a snap back with his favorite baseball team on the front. She's an Audrey Hepburn starring in My Fair Lady hat. But him... he's harder to categorize. 

He's the worn down baseball cap that you have hanging on your bed post. He's the hat you bought in Switzerland that only brings good memories. He's the hat your grandpa gave you on your first fishing trip, forever cherished.

He's the reason you wear the sun-bleached soccer club hat even though you hate soccer. He's the reason you finally had the guts to wear your enormous sun hat out in public. "It's perfect for the zoo, we'll go and you'll look beautiful." He's the reason. 

Some people are hat people. 

He's not. 

He hates hats.

But to me, for me, he's the hat that makes me comfortable. Makes me feel like more than myself. He's the addition to my head that makes me think clearer, nicer, better. 

He hates hats. But people are hats. 

"I like your hat" you. 

1:42 on 8/27

Someone doorbell ditched me approximately 7 months ago. The good kind of doorbell ditching where they leave you a Dr. Pepper, chocolate, and a playlist labeled "Mixtape #1". 17 songs, 16 songs I'd never heard. 1 I played over and over by a band named Carolina Liar, and that's where this starts. 

I'm not creative, I'm not a writer, I just like words. 

I like how words mean things to us and become parts of us even though they're just marks on a page. I like how words arranged in the right way can make you feel things you never knew you could. 

I like losing my breath when I read a particularly beautiful line. I like getting lost in a book like I get lost in blue eyes. 

I like it all. 

So this blog is going to be a collection of my favorite words and any obscure thoughts that want to become alive through me. This blog is for you to read and maybe relate to, for my mom to try to understand my teenage moods, but mostly it's for me to somehow figure out my mind. Yeah, this is for me; the new Carolina Liar.